WWN Previews Spurs V Ajax
WWN SPORT gets into the nitty gritty of tonight’s Champion’s League semi-final in our preview below.
With injuries to Harry’s Kane and Winks, the suspension of Son in the first leg, and fitness concerns over Sissoko and Wanyama, Pochettino is faced with a mini injury crisis.
However, it is thought he would sooner call upon overweight lads in the pub who claim they could have gone professional only for a bad injury than risk actually starting Vincent Janssen.
Some tension began simmering between the two sides after Pochettino bemoaned the long rest Ajax were given by the Dutch league, affording their opponents 7 days rest.
“He’s just jealous,” a serene looking Ajax coach Erik ten Hag said as he arrived into his press conference in a dressing gown with slices of cucumbers over his eyes.
In a bid to aide commentators in correctly pronouncing dutch names such as Matthijis de Light, Donny van de Beek, Joel Veltman and Frenkie de Jong, Ajax officials have advised that they speak as if constantly trying to clear their throat of phlegm.
Although the game is not a testimonial match former Spurs and Ajax man Rafael Van Der Vaart is set to play a half each for both teams.
In light of unique once in a generation drama of Spurs triumph against Man City, Ajax fans have told VAR officials not to even think about pulling any of that shit with their team.
Ajax have yet to deny that current Spurs players/former Ajax players Christian Eriksen, Jan Vertonghen, Toby Alderweireld and Davinson Sanchez are Ajax sleeper agents that can be activated into betraying their current employers when they here the secret code words ‘Denis Bergkamp’.
Stats: Ajax’s young team are the toast of European football and could set a new UEFA record by fielding a team with an average age of just 12.
Key man: Dusan Tadic remains the lynchpin for the Dutch side and his incredible performances this season have forced fans at his previous club, Southampton, to seek NASA scientists’ help in explaining just what the fuck is going on.
Tactics: Spurs’ main way to exploit and counteract Ajax could come in the form of lightning quick counterattacks and images of Fernando Llorente in training with a large rocket strapped to his back suggest Pochettino has found a way to make up for the absence of Son and Kane upfront.
Predictions: Ajax have drawn twice with Bayern Munich, and beaten Juve and Real Madrid over two legs which is why all proper English football men have confirmed this bunch of tulip-loving, clog-wearing amateurs will be rolled over by Spurs without so much as breaking a sweat.
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Beluga Whale Was Just Visiting Norwegian Cathedral
A BELUGA whale spotted off the coast of Norway has denied claims that is an agent for the Russian government, insisting that it was only visiting the region to ‘see Fjords and shit’.
Norwegian fishermen were the first to spot the animal in the waters around Norway’s coastal waters, and were perplexed to find that it was wearing a harness with ‘Property Of St. Petersburg’, prompting suggestions that the animal was part of some secret division of the Russian Navy.
The whale itself agreed to be interviewed on national TV to stress that it had simply visited the region to check out the local attractions, similar to how two completely innocent Russian gentlemen were accused of being Kremlin assassins in Salisbury last year.
“I had seen online about Norwegian Cathedrals, the finest in the world” chimed the whale, shifting nervously around its tank.
“Now, people are accusing me of being part of some Day Of The Dolphin mine-sweeping and surveillance type of unit… I am not part of the Russian Navy. I just want to continue my holiday. The harness? I got that on a stag weekend. It’s just a joke. The tracking chip in my fin? My wife put that on me. This KGB special forces tattoo? I got it when I was a young calf, I must get it lasered off soon. This letter from the Kremlin with coded orders in my blowhole? I must have picked it up along the way. A lot of litter and rubbish in these waters. I suppose I am to blame for that too?”
The whale is set to be released back into Russian custody later today, where it will likely ‘go to live in a lake near Moscow’ and never be heard from again.
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Islamic State Leader ‘Just Needed A Little Time To Himself’
ISIS LEADER Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the world’s most wanted man, has come forward and admitted that his retreat in search for inner peace is the reason that we ‘haven’t been hearing a lot from him lately’.
Al-Baghdadi made his surprise return to social media following ISIS’s heavy defeat in their last stronghold of Baghouz in March, and expressed his sorrow at missing out on so many important moments in his pet project’s lifetime.
With ‘A Little Time’ by The Beautiful South playing softly in the background, Abu took to the official ISIS Instagram to explain how he’s back and things are going to be ‘just the way they were’.
“Well, first I’d like to say that I’m not dead ha ha ha,” opened al-Baghdadi, in reference to the many reports of him being killed in drone strikes and the like.
“But yeah, I’ve been away for sometime. I just looked at all the death and heads and crying and blood and… just the negativity coming from the media who never really understood me, you know? So I took some time. Did some traveling. Met up with some people who gave me a lot of advice and well, yeah, lots of money and arms. So if it’s okay with everyone, I’d like to just start back where we left off, okay? It’ll be just like before, I promise”.
Although the West had sworn that they were through with ISIS, the return of a real bad guy that could be used as a cause for continuing the forever war in the Middle East proved too much to turn down and they have agreed to give al-Baghdadi ‘one last chance’.
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A Parrot Named Freddy Krueger Is Alive And Well After A 4-Year Nightmare
April 30, 2019
A parrot named Freddy Krueger has found his way back to the zoo after thieves abducted him.
Freddy Kruger / Credit: Globo.com
On April 16, Freddy and another parrot were stolen from a zoo in Cascavel, Brazil.
According to a local newspaper, Freddy's capture was just the latest in a series of misadventures for the turquoise-fronted Amazon parrot.
Four years ago, Freddy was brought to the zoo after being severely injured in a shootout between police and gangsters during a raid on a drug den where he had lived with his owner.
"In the shootout, [Freddy] was hit in the upper-beak … blinded and suffered burns to the feathers that grow between the eyes," the Folha de São Paulo reported.
Earlier this month, he was bitten on the leg by a snake that was not venomous. He bled profusely but survived.
Days later he was kidnapped by three armed robbers.
But to the surprise of zookeepers, Freddy returned two days later and was found at the bottom of a pine tree beside his cage.
It's unknown how he escaped, although drops of blood found near his former abode have fuelled speculation that the parrot bit his way out.
"He's a bit of a wild one," Ilair Dettoni, the zoo's vet, said.